It has been awhile since I last wrote a post. I have been very busy dealing with a lot of crap. I just wanted to post an update of where I am at mentally and emotionally right now. First, let me say that dealing with my diagnosis without Sergio is very difficult. He is my greatest source of comfort and support and I only get to speak to him for 15 mins a day. Really, difficult is an understatement.
Since I was diagnosed, I feel like every time I forget something, or mess up when trying to multi-task, or even type the wrong word, I think, oh maybe that is the start of my symptoms. No one can say it isn't, we will just have to see...
My latest thought is "Wouldn't it be nice to just forget about IVF and get pregnant naturally. If the test says the baby is positive, I can get an abortion." I would have to work on wrapping my head around that concept. I wish I had a clearer stance on the subject, but it is very personal and hard to even contemplate without actually being pregnant. It would be so hard, but then again maybe the baby would be negative for HD and we can just move on happily. Oh lord, I have to make difficult decisions.
Since I am alone and life is so difficult, it has been impossible to be positive. I honestly don't feel any optimism at all. I have always been a realistic person anyway, but when life was good that translated into happiness. Now that life is awful, I am not happy at all. I am able to talk to others and laugh and have a good time in the moment, but overall, I am depressed. I feel as though there is nothing good in my life and wonder if life is worth living at all. I feel like my future has been taken from me. There is a chance that with medication or treatment that hasn't been developed yet, that my future could be given back to me, but for now, it is gone. That really changes my thought process and my outlook on life. How could it not?
This probably sounds really depressing, but this is my reality. I still have hope for good things on the horizon, but right now things are difficult. If I could get a definite answer as to what is going to happen to Sergio and it wasn't awful news then maybe I could feel a little better. Not knowing is the worst.
I want to travel to Ireland and see the magical country that I have always dreamed of. However, I don't have the money and I have to decide what will win out, logic or my depression. I feel like I need this trip, but it isn't practical at all considering all my other debt. We shall see I suppose. Though I am a very logical person, I like to make decisions with my heart.
Prayers are needed and any support you can offer.
Thanks in advance.
