Dealing with my Diagnosis

There is a constant weight on my heart. When I smile at someone for no reason, it sort of feels like a lie. I'm mostly happy, but now I have the constant cloud following me around. Sometimes things make me sad. Like when I joke with someone about what things will be like when I'm their age (they are 68). I used to dream about being old and retired, spending my days doing whatever I want with my husband by my side. Probably not going to happen. Sure I can be hopeful that they will figure out a way to lengthen my life, but as of right now, I don't get to be old. 

Predictably I want to ask, why me? But there isn't a reason. I feel a little lost. I don't know what plans to make anymore. I don't know what my goals should be if I only have 15-20 good years left. That's a lot of time. That isn't a lot of time...

Some people don't understand. They think that my diagnosis is not as serious as it is. I don't want to be all depressed about it, but I wish they would get informed. I don't want everyone to be super sad, but I don't want them to be too positive either. It just isn't realistic at this point in time. If you need to tell yourself that it will be okay then go ahead, but don't tell me. Does that sound grumpy? lol I guess I'm having a grumpy day. Go figure.

I go along not thinking about it because it is too sad really and what's the point in being sad? But then it hits me now and then. I have to pray to not fall into a black hole of depression. I don't want to be sad, but I don't know if I'll be able to hold out forever. I might have longer than I think, but I can't really count on that. Maybe I'll wait five years and see if they find a treatment by then. I'll wait five years to get sad. Yeah, that's a good plan.